Boggart in the Wardrobe
by abovethenightsky
Summary: I protest,' Sirius said.  'Lily darling, please tell them that I am no poof.'  James and Peter catch Sirius somewhere he shouldn't be, and now there's explaining to do.  RLSB, beginnings of JPLE.


There was a commotion in the boys' dorm.

Well, there was almost _always_ a commotion in the boys' dorm. When the boys' dorm was home to the four most notorious pranksters in the history of Hogwarts, it would be unusual for there _not_ to be some sort of daily disturbance. And from the way James Potter and Peter Pettigrew were yelling, this one had to be good.

"Why can't they let a girl read her book in _peace_?" Lily Evans, who was sitting by herself in the common room with _A History of Magic_ open on her lap, said to no one in particular. It was too early in the morning for this. They should be at breakfast, or still asleep. She put on her best Head Girl face and went to investigate.

Climbing the spiraling stone staircase, she heard the shouts getting louder, and could make out a few words. From what she could tell, they were berating Sirius about something. To tell the truth, she wasn't at all curious about what he'd done this time. If you'd seen one Marauders' prank, you'd seen them all. Although some of them were kind of clever…once in awhile. In small doses.

"Padfoot, come on! Why won't you just admit it?"

"Because it _isn't_ _true_, you buggering idiot."

"Is too. We saw you."

"Saw him what?" Lily asked, leaning in the doorway and crossing her arms. The effect was immediate. Peter stopped hitting Sirius upside the head with a pillow, and James froze and turned to look at her, a deer caught in the headlights.

"Wotcher, Evans," he said, mussing up his hair and trying to pull his best cool-and-casual expression.

"Don't start that with me, Potter," Lily said sharply. "Let's get this over with. Tell me what you're all doing, and if it isn't endangering students, or if you agree to stop, then I won't report you to Professor McGonagall."

"Yes," Sirius said desperately. "Listen to her. She knows what she's talking about. You're an angel, Evans. A regular goddess. A redheaded picture of—"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Not you too, Black."

"Don't worry, Evans," James assured her. "Sirius doesn't swing that way."

"He's a poof," Peter added helpfully.

"I protest," Sirius said. "Lily darling, please tell them that I am no poof."

"If you call me 'darling' or 'angel' one more time, I'm afraid Potter might hex you. And not without reason." Lily furrowed her brow. "Although I have to say, I have to agree with Sirius here. If he's queer, then I'll go on a date with Potter."

James's grin seemed to take up half his face. "You're on," he said.

Lily sighed. "Sure. Okay. Where's Remus?" she asked, addressing Sirius, who, for some reason, seemed to be the only sane one. "He wouldn't tolerate this…nonsense."

Sirius shrugged. "Breakfast, I think. He wasn't here when I woke up."

"When we _woke_ you up," James corrected.

"In Remus' bed," Peter said.

Lily opened her mouth to say something, and then blinked. "Back up a minute. Sirius was sleeping _where_?"

"Moony's bed," Peter said.

"He was sound asleep when Petey and I woke up this morning," James added. "Bit of a shock, really. I thought _Sirius _had gotten up early and gone to breakfast until I saw the hair sticking out from underneath Remus' sheets."

"I do have very distinctive hair," Sirius said. "However, Peter has been messing it up for the past ten minutes or so, so if I could just go to the bathroom and brush it out—"

He tried to get up, but James grabbed his arm and pulled him back down again. He shot a pleading look at Lily, who shook her head. "Sorry, Black. I have to admit, I'm a bit curious now, too." She conjured a quill and small sheet of parchment and sat on the nearest bed. "You _were_ wearing your pajamas when they woke you up, right? What you're wearing now?"

"Of course," Sirius said, flabbergasted, looking down at his undershirt and pajama bottoms. "Just because I was sleeping with Moony doesn't mean I was _sleeping_ with him. You know."

"You could have put them on in the middle of the night," Peter suggests.

"Yes, well, then I'd have thought to go back to my own bed in the middle of the night, too, wouldn't I?" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Merlin, you people. Just because Moony and I are close friends—"

"How close, exactly?" James asked, grinning.

Sirius glared and opened his mouth to say something, but Lily cut him off. "That's enough out of you, Potter. So, if we've established that you weren't…er..." The idea was too strange to put into words. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin as a couple? As a _serious_ couple? Merlin, it was hard to imagine. "…what _were_ you doing in Remus' bed, then?"

"Oh." Sirius shrugged. "He gets cold."

"Cold," Lily repeated, writing it down with a question mark next to it.

"Yes, cold." Sirius was growing exasperated. "Cold. Temperature drops during the night. No fire in the fireplace yet. It's common knowledge that body heat is an excellent source of warmth. I believe James once tried to use that line on you on a very cold winter day."

"But how do you _know_ he's cold?" James asked. "I mean, I can't exactly see Remus coming up to you and saying, 'Sirius, I'm cold. Will you come sleep in my bed?' It doesn't work like that."

"He'd know," Lily said, "because he's tried it with me. But never mind. As much as I hate to admit it, James has a point."

James beamed. "Thank you. And…wait, you just called me James!"

Lily sighed. "I slipped up. I promise, it won't happen again."

Running a hand though his hair again, James winked at Sirius and Peter. "I think she's warming up to me. You know, like Pads is warming up to Moony."

"I am _not_!" Sirius protested.

"And I'm not," Lily said. "But we're getting off topic. How _do_ you know he's cold, Black?"

"How do you know _anyone's _cold? He shivers."

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Shivers?"

"Yes. Shivers. Something awful."

"I've never noticed," Peter said suspiciously.

"Well of course _you've_ never noticed," Sirius said. "You sleep like a rock. And James is too busy dreaming about Lily to notice anything else. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. And sometimes Remus shivers in his sleep. And those are the nights when I sleep with him. To keep him warm."

"Or maybe we don't notice," James suggested, "because we don't watch Moony when he sleeps."

"I don't watch Moony when he sleeps, either!"

"You had to, to notice that he was shivering."

"It's not my fault my bed is angled so that I see the rest of you when I turn away from the bloody wall!"

"Don't most people try to fall asleep by _closing_ their eyes, Pads? Isn't it a little hard to sleep with your eyes open?"

"Now, now, boys. Settle down." Lily chewed on the end of her quill absentmindedly. She was scanning the notes she'd written on her parchment, and noticed something strange. "Sirius, you made it sound like you've done this more than one night. Was this the first time?"

Sirius, deciding it probably wasn't best to lie, looked at the floor and said, "No."

Over James and Peter's triumphant "hmphs," Lily asked, "Has Remus ever told you he minds it?"

"Well…" Sirius thought for a moment, which was probably the most thinking he'd do that day. "No. He usually gets up before me. Early to bed, early to rise and all that. Then he doesn't mention it. And he sleeps pretty soundly when I'm with him, so I don't see why he'd mind."

"But what do you get out of this?" James asked. "And don't say 'I'm helping a friend sleep.' I mean, sure, I'm your best mate and all, but I'd still be a little skeeved out if I had to cuddle up to you for a night just so you could get in forty winks. Any straight guy would."

"I, um…" Sirius' turned a little pink.

"Padfoot?" Peter asked.

"Sirius?" Lily didn't believe it. She couldn't believe it. Sirius Black had dated half of her friends. The other half was pining for him. It couldn't be that he was…

James leaned forward. "Look, Pads. It's okay with me if you're gay for Moony. I'd only wish you'd told me sooner. I mean, it doesn't change anything. We're still best friends. Right?"

"I…"

"That's very mature of you, James," Lily said.

"I, well, you know me." James shrugged. "I'm Mr. Maturity. Hey, you just called me James ag—"

"It's just so hard to tell," Sirius said softly.

"Excuse me?" said Lily.

"With Remus," Sirius said. "It's so…he just seems so…so…asexual. And I know he's never had a girlfriend, but he's never shown any interest in me, and while I like to _think_ of myself as pretty irresistible…" He sighed and shook his head. "And it's the only time I get to be close to him. Like, really close. And he doesn't mind. He doesn't usually _like_ people touching him. Is it really so wrong of me to take advantage of the one time I can get away with it?" He looked at them all with beseeching eyes. "You won't tell anyone, will you?"

James patted him awkwardly on the knee. "I won't."

"I won't," Peter said.

Sirius looked at Lily, and she said, "I won't either. Although this would make excellent blackmail material, Black. You're lucky I'm not that type of girl."

"And don't worry, Sirius," said another voice. "I won't tell either."

The four of them jumped. "Where'd that come from?" Sirus snapped. All of the color had drained from his face, and he was glancing around the room, looking rather paranoid.

"Over here," said a voice from the closet.

Lily looked at James. "Boggart in the wardrobe, Potter?" she asked dryly.

"You know as well as I do that boggarts don't talk, Lily," the voice said. "And even if they did, they don't transform unless they're actually faced with someone. Which you all would know if you were paying the slightest attention in Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Bloody hell," Peter said, with wonder in his voice. "It's Moony."

"Yes," said Remus. "Yes it is."

There was a pause, then. It seemed to go on forever. Finally, Sirius snapped, "How much of that did you hear?"

"All of it," Remus replied. "Everything. Very sweet of you to confess your love for me, Sirius. Although I must say, I'd appreciate it much more if the words were actually intended for me."

Sirius looked torn between anger and mortification. "And yet," he said, "you aren't running away in horror. Or fear. Or any combination of fear and horror."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly be able to get too far," Remus remarked. "Tight quarters in here. But no, I'm not running away. I plan on staying right here, in fact. Make of that what you will."

Sirius sat still for a few seconds. Then, he made up his mind. Crossing the room in about three strides, he shouted, "Remus John Lupin! You come out of that closet right now or I swear I'll—"

Remus opened the door and poked his head out cautiously. "You'll what?" he asked with a small smile.

He didn't even need to ask. Sirius grabbed him by the shoulders and kissed him hard. Remus practically fell out of the wardrobe. Off balance, they both hit to the floor, but neither of them seemed to notice, or mind. Remus had his hands tangled in Sirius' unique-if-messy hair, and Sirius was clinging to him so tightly that Lily wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to get his hands off, and neither of them saw that Peter was covering his hands with his eyes, or that Lily was gaping, or that James was grinning.

"Oi! You two! PDA!" he yelled.

Sirius stopped kissing Remus and looked up at James with a mischievous mock innocence. "You said you were okay with it."

"I'm okay with you being a poof," James stated, but with good humor. "But if you two start snogging all over the place, I'm not going to put up with it. I have to draw the line somewhere."

"We'd get a room," Remus said. "But you three are in it."

"Actually," Sirius said, "I know a place. It's on the Marauder's Map. If you want to continue this…scintillating discussion."

"But of course," Remus replied. He helped Sirius to his feet. Lily had never seen either of them quite as happy as they did now. Goodness knows, she never expected to see a look like that on _Remus'_ face. Sirius practically dragged him out the door, and he waved at them before following obediently.

"Well," Lily said, crumpling up the parchment she'd taken the notes on. This case, at least, was closed. "Well. That was…"

James turned to her. "I believe you owe me a date?"

"Pardon?"

"You did say that," Peter said. "You said that if Sirius was queer then you'd go on a date with James."

"I…I…fine." Lily sighed and relented. "I don't like to break a promise. I guess I'll have to."

"Hogsmeade? Next weekend?" James asked, ruffling his hair again.

"Sure." Lily shot him a look and threw the parchment so it bounced off the side of his head. His big head. His big, thick head. "But don't expect me to warm up to you, James. You showed that you have a better side today, but it doesn't change anything."

"Don't worry, _Lily_," James replied. "I won't set my expectations too high."

It was only after he and Peter had left for breakfast that she realized she'd called him James a third time. She sighed again and rolled her eyes. "Boys."

* * *

_I see so much of Sirius/Remus climbing into each other's beds for purely "platonic" reasons in fanfiction that I had to wonder about what would happen if James and Peter caught one of them. And now I know._

_Anyway, just a silly little oneshot to get me back on the writing track. I promise, I'm not done with _Reminiscent_ just yet. Keep your eyes peeled, and always keep reading and reviewing. Love you guys! _

_Mischief managed,_

_D_


End file.
